Me, at 23

Today marks a week since I said goodbye to being 23. Am I a little emotional over it? Maybe. Am I nostalgic about it? You bet your ass I am!

Just to give you a little bit of context, I stopped being excited about turning a year older ever since I blew my 17 candles. Nothing seemed that exciting to me about being one step deeper into adulthood. All I ever saw was responsibility I didn’t want being thrown at me, and time slipping through my fingers.

This time around, it was different. I wasn’t exactly ecstatic about becoming older, but I was content. I feel like I’m ready to embrace this new year and make it mine. And that is only because my mindset changed a lot whilst I was 23. One could say I went through quite a transformation, even. And that is why this post is relevant – because I’m sharing with you who I was and who I became at 23.

After this, we can move on. SO LET’S GO!


ORIGIN STORY: A WHOLE LOT OF DENIAL

As every hero has her own origin story, so does yours truly. And just like every origin story out there, mine started with my life being A Mess (with a capital M for emphasis). This seems like your regular sarcastic answer – and it kind of is -, but it also isn’t. You see,  I didn’t really know I was a mess, back in my early 23’s, I just knew I wasn’t doing that great. 5 out of 10, maybe? Could do way better.

Money was a huge issue back then. I was counting every penny I had and depending on my parents a lot, which in itself gave me anxiety about being an Adult and not being able to take care of my own grown up self. I was also in denial about being lonely, and… basically every aspect of my life was dancing on a tightrope.  But I hadn’t fallen off of it yet, so I thought I was just fine.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine!”

(I’m really not)

The way things were, I could’ve been given nothing but denial gift cards wrapped in a cute red bun as presents when I turned 23. Maybe that’s what happened because honestly, I used them all. They lasted me about 6 months – up until the end of last year. That was when my denial about how shitty life was getting got so bad, the truth got fed up with it, slapped me across the face with a brick and said: “Alright, you lazy child, you either start facing me or you will fall off that tightrope of yours and break all of your bones.”

I still tried to fight back a little with a scared “Do I really have to?”. All that got me  was another slap, and I finally uttered out a reluctant okay.


THE TURNING POINT: BECOMING THE SHERLOCK HOLMES OF FEELINGS

Sigh. That was quite a heavy start. The good news is, my grim origin story ends there. Which doesn’t mean that after those 6 initial months I suddenly became a beautiful butterfly spreading happiness all around me (although I like to believe I am like that some days). It just means that by deciding to change, I no longer was spiraling down. I started to climb my way up, slowly, losing my footing more often than not, but still climbing up.


THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I LEARNED

Denying the existence of problems and/or feelings doesn’t actually make them go away. On the contrary, it feeds them, which means they grow and become stronger. Eventually they become stronger than you.

So I started to exercise the opposite – I gave my feelings some time to just be. If I’m sad, I’ll allow myself to feel it for a while, and whilst I do that I try to think rationally about what it is that is causing me sadness.

“Why am I sad?”

“Because x, y, z happened.”

“What is it about x, y, z that saddens me?”

(…)

I do my best to understand what is causing my feelings to come to the surface, and then come up with ways to resolve whatever the inciting conflict is.

(This technique works wonders, albeit not the easiest thing to do. It is guaranteed to take ages off of your face! Better than a facelift! 10/10 would recommend.)

One could say, were he/she enough of a nerd, that I became the Sherlock Holmes of feelings. And not just of my own, funny enough! Because by understanding how my brain works, I became all the more inclined to understand what triggered certain behaviors in others as well.

And you know what? I’m kinda really good at it now!


THE HERO’S TEST: PEOPLE

It all started when I got close to this lovely lovely girl here

It might be a surprise to absolutely no one that I suck at people. I know, that whole sentence was an amazing display of eloquence, but what matters is that it gets my point across just right.

I always thought I was quite averagely talented at many things but if there is one thing that I have never displayed any talent for that has to be socializing. And it’s not for lack of interest, because I do want to know how to properly interact with people and build valuable relationships in my life – it’s just that people scare me like nothing else really does.

Before you start imagining horrible scenarios in which people are being murdered, let me explain. It’s not that I think everyone out there is trying physically hurt me, it’s just that I think everyone will hurt me emotionally, sooner or later.

And this lovely lovely lady came in and made everything even better   

What I am trying to say here is that, despite all of this, my 23 year old self finally started to get a grip on the reins of her social life, and is now consciously attempting to pass all her classes from her degree in People Skills.

If before I thought I was fine on my own, now I know that being surrounded by the right people is what allows us to have happy moments in our lives. I know that being alone and enjoying time with myself is important, but so is relating to others, and letting them into my life.


THE REWARD: A LITTLE HEDONISM NEVER HURT NO ONE

I might be stretching the meaning of hedonism a little bit here. Regardless, I have started to allow myself to enjoy the little (and the big) pleasures in life. It’s not all about being productive all the time anymore. It’s also about resting, having fun, and taking good care of myself.

The key aspect here is that I no longer settle for what life throws at me, but rather I seek out that which I want. In simpler words, I got tired of “living for the weekend”, working and watching tv and going out once in a blue moon. I got tired of saving all my money for a rainy day.

I don’t need to live every day on the edge. That’s not it at all. Sometimes all I need is to take 10 minutes off my day to enjoy the sunset over the river instead of rushing to catch the bus and go home. Reading amazing books that inspire me, eating my favorite food, having conversations with my favorite people. Whatever it is that brings me joy. 


THE SEQUEL: MY YOUNG (FOOLISH) DREAMS

Young-ish me dreams of nice things in her future. I want to start enjoying the good parts of being an adult (because, yes, those exist after all!).

  • living in my own apartment that’s filled with plants I can actually take care of, in a pink building, in Lisbon
  • having a kind and adorable puppy
  • holding hands with someone I really really like (and who happens to have the softest hands, just saying)

Most of all, my 23 going into 24 year old self wants her independence! It’s time! That and to be surrounded by people who want what’s best for me, whilst continuously growing into someone more confident and wise.


END CREDITS: NOW, AT 24

I know it’s lame to say this but I am indeed wiser. Still dumb and with flaws to spare, but wiser. Flowers are now my official favorite thing. I love my friends and my family. I’m proud of who I am but madly in love with the prospect of learning more and more about how to live my life just how I want it.

At 24, I have stopped passively watching life pass me by. Instead I’ve started to have an active role in what happens to me. And, now, nothing seems that impossible anymore.

Have a great year, me. You got this.

 

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5 things I want to do in May

May is kind of a special month for me. Something about it just seems extra nice, like a breath of fresh air. It’s the height of Spring, flowers are blooming, the weather isn’t too hot nor too cold, and people seem to smile more easily.

That, or just the fact that it’s the month when I celebrate my birthday.

One of those. Definitely.

Anyways, as this is a special month to me, I want to write down some equally special things I’d like to do this month. Goals to achieve, you might say. Lately, sadness has been my companion and I’d like to take it as an inspiration to make some changes in the coming days.


1

Finally have a birthday celebration that makes me happy


I’m starting off with the most important goal, because, why wait? This is something that I have been struggling with for so many years, I don’t even remember when it started being a problem anymore. My birthdays.

I used to laugh it off and say that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday. I didn’t care. I didn’t even like getting older every year, so why celebrate? But, actually, that’s just something my brain told me I wanted, just so I didn’t have to face what was really happening.

To no one’s surprise, what was happening was that I was scared. Scared that I’d throw a party and no one would come. Scared that I had so few friends, those who actually came would leave and laugh at me for having so few people who actually liked me. So yeah, birthday celebrations are kind of like that time of the year where the only way to keep my facade of perfect girl who is fine on her own and lacks nothing is put to the test. And the only way to avoid it is to not celebrate at all.

This year will be the first year I will go against the current. I’m not scared like I was before, although all of those things I listed above are still insecurities of mine. No, because what younger me never realized was that it’s not about how many people celebrate with you, it’s about who celebrates with you that matters. (I know it sounds corny but it really is true, I mean who would want to celebrate with people who were gonna badmouth you once they left? Surely not this version of me.)

I already have a few ideas about how I want to celebrate. The key part is, I want to share my time with not only my favorite people but also on my own. So, I have a few plans that go beyond just my actual birth day. If they go through, I will be really fucking happy!


2

Tell people what my favorite thing about them is


I always look back on the times when seemingly out of nowhere, someone gives me a compliment about something that is so uniquely me. When that happens, I’m left with no doubt whatsoever that they really mean what they say.

Said heavenly beings made up of sunshine (that’s what I’m calling everyone who’s ever done this to me from now on) haven’t felt pressured to do so by the situation, nor did they expect a compliment in return. They just blurted it out because it felt right.

These are the best compliments. The ones that stick with us and give us that extra shot of motivation when we need it.

Why not, then, do it for others? People I find deserving of a compliment. I will try my best to think of something unique to them, something that truly sets them apart from others and makes them special to me. Then watch that look on their faces as they, for a second, wonder if they forgot today was their birthday.

Hopefully, I’ll be responsible for a few extra smiles!


 3

Develop my first photography film


My most recent love is analog photography. I got a really cool camera at a street market for a bargain price (I smile tenderly at it every night before sleep), I loaded a 35mm film roll into it and I’ve been taking pictures hoping for the best. My aim is to start having photo albums at home like the old days, but have each one have a different theme and hold different future memories.

This first one is a reflection of my world now, my perspective. The things I love the most. The things I find most beautiful.

I can’t wait to have them all in my hands (and if they suck a little then that will have its own charm won’t it?)


4

Give myself a gift


Well, it’s my birth month anyway isn’t it? How about not only making others smile but also making myself smile? Take this opportunity to give myself a gift I would otherwise not get. Something different. Something special.

(I know just the thing. Shhhh.)


5

Post my video


I’ve been wanting, yearning, dreaming of making a video for a long time now. I planned it, I went out and recorded for it. I even edited it. But you know when you’re perfectly content with something you’ve created, only to watch someone else’s and feel like yours is complete shit? Yeah, that happened.

Truly, I don’t actually think my video is shit, only that it needs some improvements. And I know this is my perfectionist self speaking here, and I am getting dangerously close to those times when I keep altering and perfecting stuff into infinity (or, well, until I give up on them). So I’m limiting myself to one shot at making changes. Kind of like a company would do to a client. After that, I have to upload this bitch of a video. And be damn proud of it.

So, there you go. Five goals for the fifth month of this year – like that isn’t cliche at all. What fate awaits me in May, I wonder? Alternatively, what are your goals for this coming month? Let me know and let’s cheer each other on!